DARK TUNNELS TO FREEDOM
For more than a decade I thought something was wrong with me because I was experiencing such intense bouts of depression, prolonged periods of time I couldn’t be around others, and felt a recurring desire for suicide.
As anybody would, I sought out for help. Anybody I worked one on one with would love my advancement at the beginning, but when they tiptoed into how dark my pits are, they felt incapable of assisting me, and it always lead to the same dead end- medication.
I had already seen what various medications did to many around me. It zombified them.
They lost their personality as they rid themselves of the their sadness they chose not to handle anymore. It was obvious to me that I would rather die than forget who I am or how to feel.
Logically, I thought the option of either end it by numbing myself with medication, or ending it all together would always be waiting for me...so I chose the third option.
My third option was to: Trust myself. To consider that maybe this isn’t some disease, or just a chemical imbalance I’ve inherited. Maybe a message waits within these dark days even if they don’t feel very pleasant.
So I made a commitment to myself. I decided to dive into these dark times courageously when they come around, explore them, and practice different ways of going about them.
In order to begin this journey, I knew I needed to let go of judging these bouts of depression and to begin seeing myself as courageous rather than sick or defective.
When the dark times came about and I began to listen, I began hearing a voice. Initially I feared I really was going insane and that maybe I had even been possessed... but after many rounds of being open and willing to listen- I realized it was my intuition speaking to me.
It was my raw self. The one that was untouched by the world experienced around it, untouched by the programing and trauma. It was -my- voice, as raw as it gets, and I was committed to remembering how to understand it.
It’s been a hell of a rollercoaster, but I am so insanely grateful to myself I chose to get on the ride.
So here is a taste of some voices I’ve trusted, tools I was able to recycle, and as a result have turned my sad times into sacred times:
DARK EMOTIONS= BRIGHT ONES:
How many times I’ve heard: “Don’t cry dear” I don’t know, but one time too many I’m sure.
When we fight against less pleasant emotions, that is what keeps us attached to them.
The only reason we know what joy is, is because we know of the opposite of it.
When we grasp on and try to only feel positive emotion all the time, we become stagnant and stop the flow of life.
Just as positive emotion passes, so does negative...it all passes. When we embrace them both equally, life becomes a more pleasurable ride altogether. Accepting those dark emotions as they come, letting them flow through you- actually adds more joy to your life in the long run.
LONELINESS ISN’T A TRAGEDY- IT’S A NECESSITY:
We are one. We are all parts of one big puzzle, each of us are an individual puzzle piece, completely different, even if only by minute detail.
Us being different is what makes the game of life so much fun. Imagine if you were living in a world filled with your clones.. freakish huh.
These times of dark are a time for shedding, shedding what is not you, the more you shed, the more minute the detail of what needs to be shed arises.
This process is an individual process for each being. We are all different, we each have completely different truths to share with the world.
We are like one white light as one, that has been broken down into the rainbow of form, we each have our individual shade.
That is why when these “dark days” feel so painfully lonely is because you think you are alone. But you aren’t alone if you connect with you, and you is all you need around you when going through deep transformation. Nobody else can fill your shoes like you can.
The desire to stay connected no matter what, is what creates cancer cells within society. It is what creates cults, and what stops the flow of expansion. True oneness is when every individual knows who they are to their core, what their unique shape of a puzzle piece is, without feeling shame. Our differences is what make us one.
YOU ARE NOT HURTING OTHERS-YOU ARE HEALING THEM:
When you get the hang of your personally tailored roller coaster ride, you are going to begin to grow, to go through deep transformation, and at some point you may not even recognize yourself.
When you change, your relationship to all around you change as well, and everyone close to you is reminded that they too can change. This is uncomfortable for them, as well as sad because they feel they are losing you as they know you.
The bigger the transformation-the larger the fear-the louder the screams of resistance from those around you. When you know this is obviously coming along with your transformation, and you choose to let go of any guilt regarding hurting others, the process is much easier.
They seem like they are hurting, but what is actually happening is that they are healing.
Life lies within change, not within holding onto safety or being stagnant.
As you change you do not hurt others, you are what reminds them that there is more to life, and that they can hop on their own VIP roller coaster that is waiting for them to hop on.
DESIRE FOR SUICIDE = DESIRE FOR LIFE:
“SUICIDE”, that big scary word you dare not use unless you want to be put away in a loony bin, really means; "I am ready to face what wants to needs to die."
The desire for death means that you have an aspect of you that is ready to die and a part that is waiting to be born. It is transformation ready to occur in the most magical sense.
Life & death are the side of the same coin. What creates the problem is the judgment regarding the thought itself.
People who decide to end their lives cannot see the way to let that part of them die while staying alive, they don’t know they or their life could possible change. The act of suicide is actually the bravest act towards a yearning for life. When seeing this as it is, there is much less likelihood there will need to take physical action in order to feel relief.
When I begin feeling I’m entering a dark zone, I ask myself: What do I need to rid? What do I need to love and let die out of my life?
It could be a thought/ belief/ relationship/ habit… all equally painful to let go of.
When you recognize what needs to die, most of your work is done. It wants recognition from you. Think of it as good friend that walked the path of life with you, and now needs to give you a hug goodbye because your paths are now going in different directions.
And ending relationships with anyone or anything is a form of death, and death needs the respect of recognition and a mourning period.
These are some of many dark tunnels we experience, they may seem like they lead to a dead end...but with a slight change a perception they become the paths to true freedom.
A freedom that is tailored for you...because you were the tailor.